GrApK@s

THE ART OF POOING AT YOUR OFFICE!!

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn’t know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the hereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Konsortium van Grappies vir Vandag

Die direkteur van die nasionale intelligensiediens besluit dis tyd om ‘n sluipmoordenaar aan te stel, en na ‘n lang administratiewe proses word drie kandidate gekies. Koos, Kallie en Mike dui aan dat hulle wel in die werk sou belangstel, en op ‘n dag moet al drie by hoofkantoor aanmeld. “Daar is een laaste toets,” verduidelik die direkteur.

Koos is eerste aan die beurt. “Koos, jou vrou is in hierdie kamertjie opgesluit. Hier is ‘n pistool, jy moet ingaan en haar doodskiet.” Onmiddelik bars Koos in trane uit. “Ek sou dit nooit kon doen nie,” grens hy. “Ek is gans te lief vir my vrou.”

“Dan is jy nie die geskikte kandidaat vir die werk nie,” besluit die direkteur, en stuur Koos weg.

Kallie is volgende. “Kallie, hier is die pistool. Jou vrou is in die tweede kamertjie opgesluit. Jy weet wat jy moet doen.” Kallie verwyn in die kamertjie, maar na ‘n minuut kom hy weer uit. “Ek kon dit nie doen nie,” erken hy.

“Dan is jy ook nie die geskikte kandidaat vir die werk nie,” antwoord die direkteur, en stuur Kallie weg. Net Mike bly oor.

“Goed dan Mike, jy is ons laaste kandidaat. Jou vrou is in die derde kamertjie hier toegesluit. Vat hierdie pistool en skiet haar.”

Mike verdwyn in die kamertjie, ‘n skoot klap, en dan bars ‘n afskuwelike lawaai los. Twee minute later kom Mike weer tevoorskyn, sy klere is geskeur en bloed stroom uit ‘n sny in sy voorkop.

“Mike, wat het gebeur?” wil die direkteur weet.

“Nee hel,” kla Mike. “Hierdie bleddie pistool van jou is met blanks gelaai. Ek moes die ouvrou met ‘n stoel doodslaan!”

‘n Vragmotorbestuur se vragmotor sit vas onder ‘n lae oorbrug. ‘n Verbyganger vra ‘n onnosel vraag: ‘Sit jy vas?’ ‘Nee,’ antwoord die vragmotorbestuurder, ‘Ek gaan die brug afgelewer en my petrol het opgeraak.’

Mike en sy vrou besef hulle moet bykom in die nuwe Suid-Afrika en besluit om ‘n swart babatjie aan te neem. Nie lank nie, toe laat weet die sosiale werkster dat daar ‘n pasgebore babatjie beskikbaar is, en hulle hom maar kan kom haal. Hulle maak so, en op pad huis toe hou hulle met baba en al stil by die tegniese kollege, en skryf in vir ‘n Zulukursus. ‘Want,’ sê Mike, ‘dis net ‘n jaar dan begin die mannetjie praat…’

Die boer wys sy plaas vir sy blonde besoekster. ‘En hier is ons koeie,’ verduidelik die boer. ‘Daardie en daar anderkant is darem ‘n pragtige bruin kleur, nê’ sê die besoekster. ‘Dis ‘n Jersey’ sê die boer. ‘Is dit regtig so?’ sê die besoekster ‘Ek dog dis haar vel.’

As jy dink jou baas is dom – dink daaraan dat dit dalk die rede is waarom jy nog ‘n werk het.

Kallie en Mike kry werk as drywers vir ‘n groot vervoerfirma, en op hulle eerste groot kontrak kry hulle al probleme. ‘n Bordjie voor ‘n brug sê ‘maksimum 2 meter’, en hulle vragmotor is twee en ‘n half meter hoog. ‘So, Mike,’ vra Kallie. ‘Wat doen ons nou?’ Mike kyk rond en sê: ‘Maklik. Ek sal die lorrie deurvat, kyk jy net dat die polisie ons nie sien nie.’

Koos ry op en af in die strate van Kaapstad, op soek na parkeerplek. Uiteindelik kyk hy radeloos op, bo-oor Tafelberg, en begin bid. “Here, stuur asseblief vir my ‘n parkeerplek, dan gaan ek van nou af elke Sondag kerk toe en twee keer op Kersdag.” Net toe, nie tien meter van Koos af nie, trek ‘n stasiewa met ‘n karavaan uit en los ‘n enorme parkeerplek oop. Koos kyk weer op oor Tafelberg, en sê: “Dis OK dankie, los maar die parkeerplek, ek het sommer self een gekry.”

Ou Klein Pietie

Klein Pietie slaan in die kombuis uit en tune sy ma hy wil praat oor geskenke. “Ma,” se hy. “Ek soek ‘n fiets vir Krismis.”

Maar Pietie is eintlik bitter stout en maak altyd moeilikheid by die skool en met sy gesin. Sy ma reken hy moet eers dink aan sy optrede deur die jaar. Dan moet hy vir Liewe Jesus ‘n briefie skryf en verduidelik hoekom hy ‘n fiets moet kry. Hoogs befoeterd, gaan Pietie na sy kamer toe.

Brief 1 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was baie soet hierdie jaar. Kan ek asb ‘n fiets kry vir Krismis? ‘n Rooie.
Pietie

Na hy bietjie gedink het weet Pietie hierdie storie gaan nie werk nie. Hy was regtig onmoontlik stout deur die jaar.

Brief 2 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was redelik soet hierdie jaar en sal hou van ‘n rooi fiets vir Krismis.
Soet Pietie

Weer weet Pietie hy vat ‘n kans. Hy skeur die briefie op en begin oor.

Brief 3 Liewe Jesus,
Ek was ‘n paar keer soet en dit sal nice wees as jy maybe vir my ‘n fiets kan gee vir Krismis.
Pietie

Amper dadelik weet Pietie dit gaan nie werk nie. Nou’s hy eers kwaad. Hy’s uit kombuis toe en vra sy ma of hy gou kerk toe kan gaan. Sy dink: Mooi, die plan het gewerk. hy dink nou anders oor die saak. “Wees net betyds vir ete,” roep sy agterna.

By die kerk gekom stap Pietie na die altaar toe. Hy kyk rond , sien niemand, en steel die Maria beeldjie. By die huis gekom gaan sit hy in sy kamer en trek weer die skryfblok nader. Nou’s hy reg vir die brief.

Brief 4
EK HET JOU MA. AS JY HAAR WEER WIL SIEN, STUUR ‘N FIETS – ‘N ROOIE.
GETEKEN – JY WEET WIE.