Zille to send army after taxis, then hairstylist and dance instructor

Zille to send army after taxis, then hairstylist and dance instructor

CAPE TOWN. Just days after vowing to send the army into Cape Town to crush a threatened strike by taxi bosses, tough mayor and opposition leader Helen Zille says she will task the South African National Defence Force with hunting down and destroying the people who told her that her hair style was fabulous and who taught her a series of hip-hop dance moves.

Zille’s threat to use the army to enforce law and order in the ongoing taxi dispute has raised eyebrows, not least within the armed forces who say they never signed on to do any actual fighting.

According to SANDF spokesperson Brigadier Daisy Makwetla of the 110th Padded Immobile Infantry, the army was reluctant to confront taxi bosses as they were “flipping dangerous”.

She added that any kind of major operation in the city would also severely disrupt the SANDF’s capacity to continue eating sausage rolls and playing dominos.

However this morning Helen Zille’s spokesman, Thabo Token-Black, confirmed that the Cape Town mayor was determined to see justice prevail.

“Obviously with the election so close we don’t want to make any alarmist statements,” said Token-Black.

“But I don’t think it would be out of line to suggest that taxi owners are about to meet with Helen’s good friend, Pain.”

He confirmed that she was also briefing military commanders about a potential surgical strike against her hairstylist and a freelance dance instructor named Faisal.

“Nobody wants to point fingers, least of us all,” he explained. “But you’ve seen the footage of the hair and the dancing.

“People need to die.”

Asked what the DA’s message to voters would be over the next few weeks, Token-Black said that it would be a message of respect and tolerance.

“Except for Maurice of Hackles Glam Parlour. And his little dog. And Faisal, who said he could turn Helen into Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas in three sessions. And Faisal’s homey Abdol who told Helen that the hip-hop hand wave would look totally bitchin’.

“They need to run and hide, because there’s a world of hurt coming their way. Helen’s coming to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and she’s all out of gum.”

Zille could not be reached for further comment as she had reportedly taken the DA’s senior leadership on a twenty-mile forced march on thorns to “root out the weak and fling their carcasses to the jackals”, or to ask them to resign, whichever seemed more appropriate at the time.

Courtesy of hayibo.com

~ by TJ on March 23, 2009.