Montana Man Has Better Things To Do Than Serve On Jury Duty
•May 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment
Most of the time, if you’re going to try and get out of jury duty, you say something like, “I hate all minorities,” but this Montana man decided to just come out and say what he really feels. Since you probably can’t read his writing, here’s what he wrote to the state of Montana:
Apparently you morons didn’t understand me the first time. I CANNOT take time off from work. I’m not putting my familys well being at stake to participate in this crap. I don’t believe in our “justice” system and I don’t want to have a goddamn thing to do with it. Jury duty is a complete waste of time. I would rather count the wrinkles on my dog’s balls than sit on a jury. Get it through your thick skulls. Leave me the f*&% alone.
Jeez, Montana. Can’t you take a hint?
Fish Hoek free of swine flu, but South Africans would rather die
•May 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment
Fish Hoek free of swine flu, but South Africans would rather die
CAPE TOWN. The Cape Town coastal suburb of Fish Hoek has been declared officially free of swine fever, but most South Africans say they would rather contract the disease and hemorrhage out of their orifices than live in Fish Hoek. Meanwhile SADC ministers are meeting to discuss whether Africa’s response to the disease should be tardy, inept, or non-existent.
World health bodies have regularly warned tourists about visiting Fish Hoek, one of the few settlements in Africa where clinical depression is contagious and can be caught simply by looking at the town’s architecture.
However, this morning an official from the Paris-based Doctors Without Overdrafts confirmed that the town was free of swine flu, possibly because nobody from the outside world ever traveled there willingly.
“South Africans should consider Fish Hoek their port in a viral storm,” explained Dr Frottage Croissant. “You will be safe in Fish Hoek. Depressed, yes, and perhaps murderously bored, but safe.”
Fish Hoek’s mayor, Clive Colonoscopi, said that refugees would discover a town with its eyes fixed firmly on the future.
He said residents were very excited about the imminent arrival of the 1970s, due to hit Fish Hoek some time next year, which would bring such benefits as colour television and contraceptives.
However, he said contraceptives would probably not be needed as nobody had had sex in Fish Hoek since March 1957 when Darrel Sludge tripped over a garden gnome and repeatedly fell on his wife.
He added that the town’s teen suicide rate was also very low, mainly because there were no trees tall enough to hang from.
However child psychologist Sandi Velcro-Studd warned against complacency, saying that many Fish Hoek teens were turning to charismatic religion without proper guidance.
“We’re seeing a lot of injuries, usually from playing keyboards or tambourines in unregulated orgies of worship,” she said.
“The kids are too scared and confused to come forward, so they try to disinfect their injuries with Stoney ginger beer or vinegar from the fish and chips place on the main road, and sepsis sets in.”
Meanwhile the swine flu crisis is being discussed by Health Ministers from the Southern African Development Community, who have met to discuss whether the region’s response to the pandemic should be tardy, inept, or non-existent.
“Obviously SADC has a tradition of responding to health crises in a particular manner,” explained SADC spokesman Elastoplast Phiri.
“Our response to the cholera outbreak in Zimbabwe really established as a the leading dispenser of workshopped rhetorical approaches to African healthcare, and we need to take that energy forward in talking about possible solutions in an enthusiastic but non-binding fashion.”
Courtesy of Hayibo
ELECTION 2009: Breaking News
•April 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment ELECTION 2009: breaking news
Voting has got underway in South Africa’s fourth democratic election, while the Independent Electoral Commission and the police say they are on high alert to make sure that Nandos products do not come within twenty meters of any polling station. Meanwhile in other breaking news:
* ANC Youth League President and honorary Viceroy of the Mickey Mouse Club, Julius Malema, is demanding the right to cast a second vote after learning that he had spoiled his vote early this morning. According to a spokesman, Malema had thought he was required to colour in all the blocks on the ballot paper. Observers became suspicious when he entered a booth with a box of wax crayons and spent forty-five minutes inside, quietly humming to himself.
* The ANC has asked IEC observers and police to keep an eye out for a voter in white robes with a long beard and “kind eyes”. Insiders say the ANC is “deeply concerned” that Jesus Christ could return during the voting process. “Mr Zuma has repeatedly stated that the ANC would rule until Jesus returned,” said one. “It would really rain on his parade if Christ returned in all His glory, perhaps at the Sandton polling station, just as Mr Zuma was getting into his stride.” However, so far police said they had not seen anyone resembling Jesus, except for one homeless man in Hillbrow whom they tazered “just in case”.
* The South African Communist Party has praised voters and reiterated its support for democratic institutions. “We believe in transparent government,” said spokesman Brooklax Trotsky. “A government you can see right through. God knows we plan to look right through the ANC once we’re in power again. And the awesome thing is we didn’t even need to be on the ballot paper.”
* Residents of the Cape Flats in Cape Town have promised to vote for the Democratic Alliance if Helen Zille promises never to dance again in public. “When she dances I throw up a little bit in my mouth,” said Denzil September. “Crime is really bad here, and people need jobs. But most of all they need Helen to stop dancing. You can see the hope just draining out of their faces when she starts dancing.”
* Police and IEC officials have slammed a presiding officer who was arrested at his Ulundi poling station this morning for being in possession of a box of market ballot papers. “We simply cannot accept clumsy fraud like this,” said an outraged police spokesman. “Sophisticated fraud, yes, but if you’re going to rig an election at least do us the courtesy of being clever about it. Fiddle the numbers. Ditch boxes of legitimate ballots. But this is just stupid. That’s what really hurts.”
* Independent Democrats leader Patricia de Lille says she was speaking metaphorically when she vowed that the ID would get a million votes. Speaking in the ID heartland of Cape Town, where eleven people have been seen wearing ID T-shirts, De Lille said that by “one million” she had “actually meant about 300,000″. “The media is so literal-minded,” she said. However she vowed that in the next election in 2014 the ID would garner 300 million votes.
Courtesy of hayibo.com
PEOPLE ARE SUCKERS!!
•April 23, 2009 • Leave a Comment
In between doing the dishes, hanging up the washing and vacuuming the lounge last night (that’s husband material right there, ladies) to the soothing sounds of The Cure, I had the telly flickering in the background.
It was on mute, mostly because I like watching the Amazing Race, but I can’t stand listening to it. I also like watching that little gnome beat all the bigger people.
It’s what’s on during the Race, though, that’s slightly more disturbing than listening to grown people (albeit Americans) squeal at the prospect of hearing Chopin play piano in Warsaw, only to be told that he’s dead and that they’ll just be enjoying his tunes via an impersonator.
When you’re watching television you tend not to pay attention to the ads that blast your brain cells away. But when you’re playing Super Domesticated Man for an evening, you’ll stop and stare at anything to ease the pain of vacuuming a dusty wooden floor that should have been cleaned five hours earlier by a lacklustre maid.
Adverts, and the devious products they so enthusiastically flog, are probably the best indicator of how the world has ended up where it is right now (in terms of errantly passionate spending, of course. Though you could probably blame most suicide bombings on the bile people have to endure on free-to-air television too).
Future fabulousness
Between 20:00 and 20:30, a time, if the ads are anything to go buy, when only women watch TV, I was implored upon by various vacuous sirens to purchase anti-aging bum wrinkle cream, shampoo that would ensure silky straightness, conditioner that would turn my (admittedly greying) hair a delightful shade of auburn, a collagen re-plumper (I didn’t know my collagen was de-plumping in the first place) and, my favourite for the evening, the Twista Choppa, a device that allows you to chop onions in 12 seconds, as opposed to the more ponderous 30 seconds it can take with a sharpened knife.
I’m almost certain there were many more must-have products on offer past nine, but thankfully by then I was over-houseworked and not conducive to subliminal messages of future fabulousness.
People are suckers. And because of that common trait we’ll buy anything that promises better looks, a firmer butt and less time crushing garlic cloves.
It’s not just in the shops that we’re tempted to buy life’s little unnecessary luxuries. As of last week, I am now the proud owner of a will and yet another post-life policy that ensures my poor 156-year-old grandmother won’t have to pay for my cremation. I have no idea why, but I was assured that it’s all the rage these days – the policy that is, not the cremation.
In any event, at least my sole beneficiary (my brother) can look forward to a rustically dishevelled set of cooking pots when the good Lord finally smotes me down.
I’m not immune to buying bits and pieces of modern living that aren’t entirely required for my survival. But you have to imagine that some limit to how much junk we need in our lives will be reached soon.
I’m not railing against the world’s rampant capitalism (I’d rather have a credit card than pluck potatoes for the greater good in some communist compound, yes I would, I surely would) but where’s the limit?
All you really need…
I’m sure it’s only a matter of months until the next Gillette razor, this time with 32 blades, satellite skin irritation navigation and Aloe-infused strips of calming salve, hits the shelves.
Until then, I guess, I’ll just have to stick my antiquated four-blade system and, prepare to be shocked, regular shaving foam.
Like I’ve said before, all you really need to get by in life is a fine red wine, aromatic coffee and two-ply toilet paper (and maybe a dual suspension mountain bike). But anything else really is superfluous.
var msg = “David Moseley”; msg = escape(msg);
Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.
Jacob Zuma…Next S.A President….:-(
•April 7, 2009 • 1 Comment
Everyone is asking why not im not blogging about this…
however I thought I would follow in our NPA(National Prosecuting Authority)’s footsteps… and do exactly…
PEOPLE ARE SUCKERS!!
•April 7, 2009 • Leave a Comment
In between doing the dishes, hanging up the washing and vacuuming the lounge last night (that’s husband material right there, ladies) to the soothing sounds of The Cure, I had the telly flickering in the background.
It was on mute, mostly because I like watching the Amazing Race, but I can’t stand listening to it. I also like watching that little gnome beat all the bigger people.
It’s what’s on during the Race, though, that’s slightly more disturbing than listening to grown people (albeit Americans) squeal at the prospect of hearing Chopin play piano in Warsaw, only to be told that he’s dead and that they’ll just be enjoying his tunes via an impersonator.
When you’re watching television you tend not to pay attention to the ads that blast your brain cells away. But when you’re playing Super Domesticated Man for an evening, you’ll stop and stare at anything to ease the pain of vacuuming a dusty wooden floor that should have been cleaned five hours earlier by a lacklustre maid.
Adverts, and the devious products they so enthusiastically flog, are probably the best indicator of how the world has ended up where it is right now (in terms of errantly passionate spending, of course. Though you could probably blame most suicide bombings on the bile people have to endure on free-to-air television too).
Future fabulousness
Between 20:00 and 20:30, a time, if the ads are anything to go buy, when only women watch TV, I was implored upon by various vacuous sirens to purchase anti-aging bum wrinkle cream, shampoo that would ensure silky straightness, conditioner that would turn my (admittedly greying) hair a delightful shade of auburn, a collagen re-plumper (I didn’t know my collagen was de-plumping in the first place) and, my favourite for the evening, the Twista Choppa, a device that allows you to chop onions in 12 seconds, as opposed to the more ponderous 30 seconds it can take with a sharpened knife.
I’m almost certain there were many more must-have products on offer past nine, but thankfully by then I was over-houseworked and not conducive to subliminal messages of future fabulousness.
People are suckers. And because of that common trait we’ll buy anything that promises better looks, a firmer butt and less time crushing garlic cloves.
It’s not just in the shops that we’re tempted to buy life’s little unnecessary luxuries. As of last week, I am now the proud owner of a will and yet another post-life policy that ensures my poor 156-year-old grandmother won’t have to pay for my cremation. I have no idea why, but I was assured that it’s all the rage these days – the policy that is, not the cremation.
In any event, at least my sole beneficiary (my brother) can look forward to a rustically dishevelled set of cooking pots when the good Lord finally smotes me down.
I’m not immune to buying bits and pieces of modern living that aren’t entirely required for my survival. But you have to imagine that some limit to how much junk we need in our lives will be reached soon.
I’m not railing against the world’s rampant capitalism (I’d rather have a credit card than pluck potatoes for the greater good in some communist compound, yes I would, I surely would) but where’s the limit?
All you really need…
I’m sure it’s only a matter of months until the next Gillette razor, this time with 32 blades, satellite skin irritation navigation and Aloe-infused strips of calming salve, hits the shelves.
Until then, I guess, I’ll just have to stick my antiquated four-blade system and, prepare to be shocked, regular shaving foam.
Like I’ve said before, all you really need to get by in life is a fine red wine, aromatic coffee and two-ply toilet paper (and maybe a dual suspension mountain bike). But anything else really is superfluous.
var msg = “David Moseley”; msg = escape(msg);
Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.
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